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The One With Two Parts,Part 2
Opening Credits
[Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter. Rachel is limping and leaning on Monica for support.]
Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
(They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's heard it all before.)
Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.
Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?
(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)
Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.
(Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)
Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.
(Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and massages her ankle.)
Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call?
Rachel: You.
Monica: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an arm around her friend and kisses her.) Oh gosh, love you. Insurance?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that.
Monica: (No longer touched) you don't have insurance?
Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost?
Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.
Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?
Monica: Well there's not much we can do.
Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.
Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.
Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?
Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one's listening, then lowering her voice anyway) That's insurance fraud.
Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow!
Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Okay, okay. I hate this.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).
Nurse: Why?
Monica: (Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh) you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, (tiny laugh) I put mine.
Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank form).
Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh) I am that stupid (tiny laugh).
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.]
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.
Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Joey: He should take the sack?
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
(Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)
Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight.
Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
(Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)
Ross: You take your time.
(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then realises.)
Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do?
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?
Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?
Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
(Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...)
[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive. They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]
Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.
(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)
Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica?
Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.
Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel.
Monica (as Rachel): Hi.
Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.
Dr. Rosen: (Smiling even more and attempting to take over) And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen.
(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)
Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?
Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?
Rachel: I meant er, (struggling to concentrate) young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.
Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.
Rachel (as Monica): Right.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise birthday party. Rachel and Monica is telling Chandler about Rachel's incident.]
Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.
Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.
Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes."
Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.
Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far?
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!
(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The box takes off, then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the floor. Ross is not pleased.)
Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.
Rachel: Was that the cake?
Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.
Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute.
(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)
Rachel: I hope it's okay.
(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)
Monica: Oh...
Chandler: (Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe."
Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.
(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)
Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?
Ross: Oh, we just...
Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of honour) Surprise!
Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?
(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't help...)
Chandler: Did you see Betty?
(Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but Phoebe feels her birthday has been ruined by her twin.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with his father who is examining his next forkful.]
Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of my office!"
Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?
Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;
Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?
Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.
Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that?
Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father?
Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.
(Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he stops eating.)
Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?
Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.
Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]
Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming!
(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)
Monica: Hi, come on in.
Dr. Mitchell: Hey.
Monica: Hi, Geoffrey.
Rachel: Hi.
Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.
Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist?
Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that.
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?
Monica: It's uh...
(Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)
Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is your ankle.
Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!
(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)
Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.
Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.
Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?
Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?
(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)
Dr. Mitchell: So?
Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.
Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.
Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...
Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)
(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)
Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.
Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...
Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess...
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: What?
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: What!?
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: (getting angry) What!!?
Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.
(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)
Rachel: Hello! Here we go!
Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?
Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.
(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her chair.)
Dr. Mitchell: Really?
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?
Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.
Dr. Rosen: Good for you.
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.
Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.
Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.
Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That's it!
(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)
Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?
Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.
Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both do that!
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)
Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.
Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting up to move further away from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...
(Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stands up.)
Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?
Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!
(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice furniture.)
Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.
Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.
(Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is speaking in Spanish.)
Ross: Maybe not.
(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)
Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.
(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she limps quickly over to her friend, who stands up in concern.)
Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...
Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?
Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out what they want!
Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, you do it.
Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)
Rachel: What?
Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
Rachel: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were right. You were right! This was just not worth it.
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: Okay, let me just change.
Monica: Yes.
(Rachel goes to her room.)
Joey: (entering quietly) Hey.
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Trouble?
Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.
Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?
Ross: Well did you try calling her?
Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off.
(Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she watches him shaking his head in pain and disbelief, she knows that it isn't his fault.)
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
Phoebe: Hey.
(Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ursula: Oh!
Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
Phoebe: So.
Ursula: Uh-huh.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)
Phoebe: Right, like the kind you...
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming?
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
Phoebe: I can't believe you did this.
(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)
Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's cardigan) ..did this.
(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)
Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
Phoebe: Does he know?
Ursula: Who?
Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.
Ursula: He is? Why?
Phoebe: You got me.
Ursula: Right.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
(The man gives up, shaking his head.)
Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him?
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
Phoebe: No, Joey.
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Phoebe: No. No food with a face.
Ursula: You have not changed!
(Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, simply glad to be back with her sister.)
Phoebe: Yeah, you too.
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.]
Rachel: (as Monica) Hi, remember us?
Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.
Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause um...
Nurse: You're that stupid.
Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little laugh.)
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.
Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover that.
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.
(The girls escape with a new form.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]
Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Ross: Do you have a point?
Chandler: You know, you think I would.
(Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck as much as possible, and makes an unvoiced noise from his throat.)
Chandler: What's up with the simian?
Ross: It's just a fur ball.
Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?
Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.
Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.
Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?
(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the m, who is now in some distress.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]
Ross: You've got to help me my m swallowed a 'K'!
(Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to stand behind Chandler, followed by Rachel.)
Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta here.
Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do.
Monica: What's goin' on?
(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)
Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
Rachel: Oh.
(..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)
Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people!
Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please have a heart!
(Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.)
Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.
(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time, in formation.)
Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you.
Monica: Michael.
Dr. Mitchell: Rachel.
Rachel: What?
Monica: (as Rachel) Monica.
Rachel: (as Monica) Oh.
Monica: (as Rachel) Hi.
Rachel: (as Monica) Hi.
(Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks away...)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths out the identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits next to the main sofa.]
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.
Joey: Urse...
(Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.)
Joey: ..ah, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
Joey: No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen." I've said that "listen."
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge?
(Phoebe is almost thrown by this.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Joey: You don't drink.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Joey: Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms, but she fends him off.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
Joey: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Joey: (Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn't do that.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Joey: Then, uh, then I'm sorry.
(He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched by Joey's good heart.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Joey: I know...
(He looks up at her face and Phoebe, slipping out of character, smiles back at him. Joey's voice becomes soft and warm.)
Joey: I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful.
Phoebe: Really?
(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...)
Joey: Pheebs?
Phoebe: (Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she's sprung.)
[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]
Ross: He looks so tiny.
(The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.)
Joey: We just got the message.
Phoebe: Is he alright?
Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.
Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out 'M.'
(Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft theory.)
Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.
Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?
Ross: No, why?
Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.
(Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure. The tiny figure stirs.)
Monica: Oh, look, he's waking up!
Ross: (Quietly) hey, fella! How you doing?
(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with his whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross finally knows what it is to be a father. He looks up at his friends, who smile encouragingly, Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica's shoulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right and he's gonna make a great dad!)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is there. Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is handing out some Chinese takeout. There's a small SAP in the corner of the screen.]
Ross: Aqui est? (Here it is!)
Monica: 緼 qui閚 pidio el pollo General Tso? (Who ordered General Sal's chicken?)
Chandler: udo aver sido General Tso! (It could've been General Sal!)
(Rachel points out of the window.)
Rachel: ira, mira, el viejo desnudo est?haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the hula!)
(The others rush to the window for a look.)
All:www! (Ewww!)
(Joey enters, happy again.)
All: ola, Joey! (Hi, Joey!)
Joey: ola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)
(Marcel grabs the remote.)
Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)
Ross: o que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)
(Everybody laughs.)
End
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
English translations...
Chandler's hand sports a plaster.
Joey looks at the comic strips.
Rachel pays with a cheque.
噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢.
嗨.
我的朋友因为取下圣诞彩灯,
从阳台掉下去了,可能伤到了她的脚或脚踝之类的地方.
天呀,你的圣诞彩灯还挂着呢?
把这个填完再交还给我.
噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢噢.
好啦,好啦
姓名,地址
恩,如果有紧急情况,打电话给谁?
你.
真的?
是的.
噢,你真好.
噢,我爱你.
保险?
噢,是的,把它钩上.
没错,我确实想要保险.
你没有保险?
为什么,那样的话要花多少钱?
我不清楚,
但是单单照X光可能就要好几百块.
那那那,我们怎么办?
这样的话我们没什么可以做的.
除非,除非我用你的.
哈,不不不.
等等, 谁是我的紧急联系人?
那是保险欺诈.
那好吧,忘了它.
回家之后可能它就好了
-噢噢噢噢!
-好吧, 好吧.
我讨厌这样.
谢谢你,谢谢你. 我爱你.
恩,我想要一份新的表格.
为什么?
我真是一个笨蛋.
你瞧, 我帮填我朋友的表格,却填了我的.
你真是笨蛋
没错,我就是这么笨.
我做梦梦到我和我的孩子玩橄榄球.
很好呀.
不,是和他.
我就在场地里,他们过来抢我的孩子
然后我明白我应该要做些什么
因为坦帕湾的队员就冲过来了
坦帕湾是个很烂的队.
没错,可是只有我和我的孩子在一起,
而且我认为他们会抓到我们.
所以我, 我把他举起来向场地扔去.
你疯啦?那是个孩子!
他是不是该达阵得分?
不管怎么样,突然我就倒在地上了,
而且我意识到我应该去把他接住, 对吗?
但是我又没有办法准时赶到那里,
我就拼命跑呀跑呀,就这样我醒了.
瞧吧,我还没有准备好当个爸爸.
嘿,你会没事的.
你是全美最细心,最有责任感的人.
你会是个好爸爸的.
没错,Ross,
你和你孩子只需要更好的橄榄球布阵.
你们有谁去过彩虹屋餐厅吗?是不是很贵?
是的,如果你点了什么吃的话.
我今晚要和Ursula见面. 今天是她的生日.
哇,那Pheobe的生日怎么办?
什么时候?
今晚.
噢,为什么会发生这种事?
你慢慢享受你的时光吧.
没错!
你将怎么做?
我能怎么做?
瞧,我不想惹Ursula不高兴.
那你的朋友Phoebe呢?
如果她是我的朋友, 她应该会明白.
你们呢?
伙计,如果我过生日的时候你这样做,
你会被嘘的很惨的.
你加上一些桔黄色的调料
就会大大改观了.
(查朗文英英字典都是调料的意思)
好了,恩, Monica?
怎么了? ..对了,她是.
-你好,这是我的朋友Rachel.
-嘿.
你好,Rachel.我是Mitchell医生.
我是他的朋友,Rosen医生.
你们做为医生是不是太帅了一点?
对不起?
我的意思是,哦,年轻,年轻,
我的意思是你们做为医生好年轻呀.是不是, Rach.
谢谢.
没错.
他说只是一点扭伤,完了.
你把蠢事忘了.
那才不蠢呢.
两个超帅的医生叫我们明晚出去,
而我说了"好吧".
我认为是愚蠢的,
他们可是在医院工作呀.
这就好像返回犯罪现场似的.
你知道吗?我们应该把约会取消.
什么?
Monica, 他们很帅, 他们是医生,
他们是帅医生!
好吧,目前为止我们知道了什么?
来个惊喜!!!
你们在干什么?!
你们吓着我了.
那个是蛋糕?
是的,我买了个柠檬shmush
(实在不知道是什么,怀疑是摔坏的蛋糕的意思,音同SMASH).
快点,她随时都会到了.
我希望没问题.
哦
"生日快乐,Peehe."
也许我们可以用这些玫瑰弄个字母B出来
我们只要用些特殊的蛋糕工具.
嘿,怎么啦?
哦,我们只是.....
- 来个惊喜!
- 噢,噢,噢!
真棒,天呀,尽管不是很吓人.
各位好.你好,Betty!你们把Betty找来啦!
天呀,真是太好了
我喜欢的人都在这个屋子里,
Joey呢?
你看到Betty了吗?
我告诉你一件事, 我不在乎吃这块干西红柿.
五年后,如果有人对我说,
这个西红柿象干李子
我会说"滚出我的办公室!"
爸爸,在我出生之前,
你有没有神经兮兮的?
我没神经兮兮,
我只是说如果有人说这个西红柿......
爸爸,我在说的是小孩的事情.
你有没有惊惶失措的想
"天呀,我就快是个爸爸了"之类的事情?
没有.
你妈妈有这样.
我当时在忙着生意.
我并没有在她身边呆很多.
这就是问题吗?
不,爸爸,我只是好奇.
因为有很多时间,我们可以一起面对.
你一直想去Williamsburg.
我们要不要一起去?
谢谢,爸爸,我只是想知道
你什么时候开始觉得自己是个父亲的?
我想,应该是你出生之后那天.
我们在医院里,你妈妈睡着了,
他们把你抱过来给我.
你那个时候只是个难看的红色小东西,
突然,你用的小手抓住我的手指.
捏着我的手指.
就在那个时候我明白了.
那你不想去Williamsburg咯?
不,我们可以去Williamsburg.
把鱼吃了吧.
Rachel,帅医生来了.
好的,进来吧!
- 你好,进来吧.
- 嗨.
- 你好, Geoffrey.
- 你好.
恩,我们带酒来了.
瞧, 从Ernest和Tova Borgnine的酒窖出来的,(不确定)
我们怎么拒绝的了?
很好,瞧.
那么, Monica,你的脚踝怎么样了?
它......
干吗不由你告诉他们呢?
那是你的脚踝呀.
感觉好多啦, 谢谢
好的, 为什么你们两个不坐下,
我们给你们拿杯子.
在里面!(不确定)
不如我们告诉他们我们的真实身份?
这样就会好一些.
那才不好呢!
我们会有麻烦!
哦, Monica!你能不能不像个胆小鬼?
胆小鬼?
你能不能现实一点?
怎么样?
- 恩... 她们看起来很正常.
- 因为她们就是.
好吧,不过你必须承认每次我们出去,
这些我们在医院里碰到的女人总是变得.....
Willya,放松一点?瞧瞧四周.
没有异教徒的祭坛,角落里没有骨头,
她们很好,就像这样.
我们不要这样子好吗?
有时候,你就像个......大小孩
我不是小孩!
- 你知道吗? 我发誓,只是因为你每次都紧张,我们
- 是呀,每次,你就像个公主似的
- 你知道吗?
- 什么?
- 你知道吗?
- 什么?
- 你知道吗?
- 什么????
每天,你都越来越象你妈妈了.
你好,我们来了!
这里真是个不错的地方.
你们在这里住了多久了?
谢谢! 我已经在这里住了6年了,
Rachel几个月前刚搬进来.
是的,我本来应该是结婚的,
但是我把那家伙留在祭坛了.
真的?
是的,我知道那很自私,
但是,哈哈,那就是我.
你们为什么不试试鹰嘴豆泥?
那么,Monica,你是干什么的那?
啊,我是上城一家餐厅的厨师.
很适合你.
没错,
因为我可以指使周围的人,
而且我很喜欢这样做.
鹰嘴豆泥很不错.
上帝保佑鹰嘴豆.
天呀,我真是被宠坏了.
完了.
另外,我有没有说过我在高中的时候,
我很蠢,很招人讨厌?
我经常弄湿我的床.
我用我的胸部来勾引他人的注意.
我们都做过!
Monica和Rachel的公寓.
是,是,
等一下,Rachel,是你爸爸.
你好,爸爸.
不不,是我.
爸爸,我现在不能和你说话,
但是,有一些事情我要告诉你
能等一下吗?
记得入学第一年吗?
Billy Dreskin和我在你的床上嘿咻.
爸爸,爸爸!
爸爸,我怎么会和Billy Dreskin嘿咻呢?
他爸爸和你作对呀!
你完了!
Ross,它又拿到遥控器了.
真好.
也许它能调回来.
也许不行.
你好?
等一下,我看看她在不在这里.
是医院管理室的那个女的.
她说表格有点问题.
哦,天呀,我们该怎么办?
我不知道!
为什么你不解释一下?他们要干什么?
看看他们想干什么!
不,你来.
你好,我是Monica.哦
好的,我们马上来,谢谢
怎么啦?
我们忘了在一张表格上签字.
好吧,你是对的,你是对的.
我们不值得这么做
谢谢.
-好吧,等我换好衣服.
-好.
- 嘿.
- 嘿!
嘿.
有什么问题吗?
你姐姐那晚放我鸽子了.
哦,你恨人家不在那里等你吗?
你有没有打电话给她?
我已经打了两天了.
我打到餐厅,他们说她太忙了,没法接.
我不敢相信她这样对我.
-嘿.
-哦!
你,你有时间吗?
有,我正工作呢.
-那么.
-怎么啦.
我给你带了生日礼物.
哇,你记得!
是个Judy Jetson的热水瓶!
-对,就像你一样
-对
-事实上,我也给你带了东西
-你怎么知道我会来?
双胞胎的直觉吧.
我真不敢相信?
那么,你和Joey怎么样?
哦,他不错.不过我们完了.
- 他知道吗?
- 谁?
Joey. 你知道吗?他真的对你很着迷.
他是吗? 为什么?
我怎么知道.
好吧.
对不起,这个的配菜色拉呢?
那么,你会打电话告诉他吗?
什么?你认为他喜欢我?
不, 是Joey.
噢.
不,他挺聪明的,会自己明白的.
你要不要来点鸡肉?
不,我不吃有脸的食物.
你还是没变!
你也是.
嘿,记得我们吗?
恩.
你刚刚打电话过来说需要签个名.
事实上,我们要一个新的表格.
因为,我填错名了
你真是有够笨.
是呀,我就是这么笨.
而且,我希望用支票付帐.
你的保险会付的.
我知道.....,我只是没那么聪明.
好吧,最坏的事情:
你一直没有感觉像个父亲.
好.
你的儿子从来没有感觉和你有联系?
哪怕一点点?
他的所有关系都会受这件事影响.
你有明白什么吗?
你知道的,我会的.
这只猴子怎么啦?
也许吃了个毛球吧.
好吧,现在轮到谁了?
到你了,我从'KIDNEY'这个词里得了43分.
不不,你从'IDNEY'得0分.
我有K的,我的K在哪里?
你得救救我的猴子,它吞下了'K'!
你把那个动物带出去.
不不,你不知道动物医院在城市另一边,
它被呛着了,我不知道该怎么办!
-怎么啦?
-Marcel吞了一个拼字字母.
噢
对不起,这是个给人治病的医院!
女士,他是个人类,
他有名字的,行了吗?
他看Jeopardy.
没人看的时候,他自己摸自己.
-请救救它吧.
-我会看看他怎么回事.
- 噢谢谢你.
- Michael. - Rachel.
- 什么?
- Monica.
- 噢.
- 嘿. - 嘿.
嘿.
Urse...
你在这里干吗?
我一直在试着打电话找你.
听我说,恩
不, 不要说"听我说." 我知道"听我说"是什么意思.
我经常说"听我说"
对不起
我不明白,发生什么事情了.
你在桥下对我说的那些呢?
恩
你应该忘了我在桥下说的
我那晚说的很疯,我醉了
你不喝酒.
没错,我不喝
不过,我因为你而脑袋乱了
噢, Urse...
好吧,这样是没用的.
为什么,因为我是Pheobe的朋友?
如果是,你会不和她接触吗?
不,我不能这么做.
那么就是了,原因就是Pheobe!
要不是她,要不是我.
那么,我对不起了.
你知道
真的很难和你结束这段关系.
我知道
我不知道是因为分手还是因为什么,
但是你从来不象这样漂亮.
真的?
Pheebs?
是.
它看起来真小.
我们刚得到消息,它还好吗?
是的,医生把'K'拿出来了.
他还找到了'M'和'O'.
我们认为它在尝试着拼出来'M'(猴子)
医生说它会好的,它现在睡了.
现在你觉得像个父亲了吗?
不,为什么?
嘿,拜托,你做的都是父亲做的事
那很像一个父亲呀!
瞧,它醒了.
嘿,伙计,你怎么样啦?
(来啦!)
(谁订了Sal将军鸡肉呀?)
(它也许就是Sal将军!)
(瞧,丑裸男在玩呼啦圈!)
(嘿, Joey! )
(大家好呀!)
(瞧, Ross, Marcel拿到遥控器了.)
(实际上,它不喜欢这个节目!)