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The One With The Screamer
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he抯 at Flimby抯.
Rachel: What抯 Flimby抯?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that抯 the word I use when I can抰 remember the real thing.
Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That抯 it! Come on!
Phoebe: No! Rachel, that抯 what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don抰 get through, they抮e not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It抯 us versus them!
Chandler: Ye-e-es!!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
All: Hey.
Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what?
Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one.
Monica: I need two. I抦 bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now!
Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you?
Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.
Monica: Really? Who抯 number two?
Chandler: Who抯 number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
Ross: Uh, no, it抯-it抯 just this person.
Phoebe: Like a date type (looks at Rachel) person?
Ross: Yeah, kinda. It抯 this woman from work. I hope that won抰 be too weird. Will it, Rach?
Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so?br>
Joey: But you said one.
Rachel: I meant, me plus one!
Joey: Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one?
Ross: All right, I抣l see you tonight.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Okay, bye-bye!
Chandler: Bye!
Monica: Bye-bye!
(Ross exits)
Rachel: Okay, I need a date! (runs to her bedroom)
Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!
All: Oh!
Joey: (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.
Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It抯 never gonna happen, she抯 seeing somebody.
Chandler: Yeah, and I don抰 have any cologne.
Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.
Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
(In horror, Joey wipes his next and smells it.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey抯 premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.]
Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)
Phoebe: Thanks!
Monica: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I抦 setting the phone down. (does so) But I抦 still here! Just don抰 go anywhere I抦 still here. (starts to put on the sweater) Don抰-don抰 switch or anything, 慶ause I抦, I抦 right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just?br>
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: What?! Monica, I抦 scared!!
Monica: All right. Honey, that抯-that抯 a sleeve. Okay?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)
Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.
Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up 慶ause we抮e gonna be late.
(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but?
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you抮e the next caller.
Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I抦 the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?
Monica: Of course not.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.
[Scene: Joey抯 Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]
Ross: Hey, hey Rach!
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
Ross: Good.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: So it抯 looks like we抮e the first ones here.
Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!
Ross: Yay!!
(An awkward silence follows.)
Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.
Tommy: Hey.
Ross: Hey. Oh, I抦 sorry, this is Cailin.
(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they抮e arms to shake each other抯 hand, and Ross says?
Ross: And! Break!!
(Awkward laughter follows.)
Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I抦 going to run to the ladies room.
Tommy: Okay.
Cailin: I抣l join you.
Tommy: I抣l get our seats.
Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward.
Tommy: Yeah?
Ross: Well y'know 慶ause Rachel and I used to go out.
Tommy: Oh, I didn抰, I didn抰 know that.
Ross: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do you uh?br>
Tommy: I think we抮e here.
Ross: Oh! Yeah.
Tommy: Yeah.
Ross: Okay. (sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me, I抦 sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats.
Man: Umm, no, I don抰 think so.
Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket?
Man: Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)
Ross: (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh?br>
Man: Oh, well I thought that ah?br>
Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn抰 really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you抮e surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!
Man: Uh, the usher told us to come?br>
Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?
Ross: No, I抦 good. (He sits down, stunned.)
[Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gang is already there, except Phoebe. Joey runs in.]
Chandler: (seeing Joey) There he is!
Monica: There抯 our star!
Joey: So, so, what抎 ya think?
Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.
Joey: I-I wasn抰 in that.
Chandler: I know.
Joey: (sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate.
Monica: Hi!
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
Chandler: So that抯 the girl you like.
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table) I抦 telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he抯 baaad news!
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don抰 like the guy Rachel抯 dating? Well, that抯 odd.
[cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]
Joey: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate抯 understudy, Lauren.
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Lauren: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar.
Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day.
[cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin]
Cailin: So. How抎 you guys meet?
Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.
Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.
[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey抯 agent, approaches]
Estelle: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous!
Joey: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.
Estelle: How do you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you two girls were outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have representation?
Joey: No, they-they weren抰 in the play.
Rachel: We抮e not actors.
Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together.
Chandler: Could I borrow it?
[cut to later]
Cailin: (to Ross) Hi! Remember me?
Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommy抯 in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I think he抯 gonna snap. (He抯 watching very intently)
Cailin: Ross, I抦 gonna go.
Ross: Go? Why?
Cailin: I don抰 know. Could be because I don抰 feel like standing around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream.
Ross: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream.
Cailin: Good bye Ross.
Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye.
The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la? Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.
Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!
The Director: Kate Miller抯 awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is?(stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, you抳e ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mother抯 crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)
Joey: Anyone mind if I save this?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.]
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Oh, is the play over?
Monica: Yeah. Where were you?
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you抮e the next caller.
Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.
Phoebe: Nah. I kept myself busy.
(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.
(They both look at each other, nod their heads 慉ll right?and follow their stuff into their new rooms.)
[Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.]
Joey: Hey! Are you okay?
Kate: Fabulous.
Joey: Listen, drama critics they抮e nothing but, but people who couldn抰 make it as actors. You know what you should do?
Kate: Become a drama critic!
The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (walks away)
Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.
Joey: Oh, classy.
Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick 慹m, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this!
Joey: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.
Kate: Really. What?
Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We抣l stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.
Kate: Why the Post?
Joey: Oh, you didn抰 see the Post?
Kate: No. You?
Joey: No. Why?
[Scene: Kate抯 Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.]
Kate: (drunk) So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?
Joey: Oh, absolutely! You抮e talented and you抮e good looking.
Kate: Oh, you抮e sweet and cute.
Joey: I know! That抯 why they trashed me!
(They kiss.)
Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Kate: What?
Joey: I, I don抰 get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.
Kate: What? So you never went out with an actress before?
Joey: Kate, do you even like me?
Kate: Of course I do.
Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y'know? How come you were with him?
Kate: I don抰 know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy? Why can抰 I just pick someone like you?
Joey: Thanks.
Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you抮e just so, you抮e so, so?(She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)
Joey: (Checks to see if she抯 drooling on his shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay, hey. (Lays her down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let抯 get your feet up there. (Looks at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I抦 gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.]
Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You抮e call is very important to us.
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you抳e been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. Th-this isn抰 healthy.
Phoebe: No, no, I抦 fine, and y択now why? 慍ause of all the riboflavin.
Joey: (entering, happily) Hey!
Monica: Hey! Didn抰 you have that outfit on last night?
Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kate抯, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?
Phoebe: I抦 so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you抮e play. I swear you抮e play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You抮e play is the next play is the next play I抦 gonna see.
Monica: Anyway, how did it go with Kate?
Joey: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we抮e like totally crazy about each other!
Monica: Joey, you had the night!
Joey: What?
Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!
Joey: You-you think?
Monica: Did you like learn about her family?
Joey: Two brothers, one died!
Monica: Yes!!
Joey: Yeah?!
Monica: Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.]
Gunther: (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho.
(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and takes the mug away from Chandler.)
Gunther: Sorry. She thought you were somebody else.
Rachel: What time is it?
Monica: One.
Ross: One.
Chandler: 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn抰 work.
Rachel: Tommy抯 supposed to be here soon, we抮e going to lunch.
Ross: Look. Look, I wasn抰 going to say anything to you, but... All right, I don抰 think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.
Rachel: You don抰?!
Ross: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him.
Rachel: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men.
Ross: No, it抯 not just 慶ause I抦 jealous. (Both Monica and Chandler give him a 慍ome on?look) I mean I抦 not, I抦 not, I抦 not jealous, okay? It抯? Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.
Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!
Ross: Okay, fine, fine. You don抰 want to believe me? No, that抯 fine. (starts to leave)
Monica: We抮e kidding!
Chandler: Ross, don抰. Ross!
Monica; Ross!
[cut to outside of Central Perk]
Ross: You don抰 want to believe me, I抦 Mr. Funny to you. Mr. Funny?(turns around and almost spills his coffee on Tommy)
Tommy: Whoa!!
Ross: Whoa, sorry Tommy.
Tommy: What抯 in the cup, Ross?
Ross: Umm?br>
Tommy: What is in the cup?!
Ross: Okay, it抯 coffee.
Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me it抯 ice coffee!
Ross: It抯-it抯 hot?br>
Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?!
[cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly tapping on the window, desperately trying to get the gang抯 attention, while Tommy is still screaming at him]
Rachel: (not seeing Ross) What抯 your favourite thing about summertime?
Monica: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late.
Rachel: Yeah?br>
Tommy: (entering, finished with yelling at Ross, who follows him in shell shocked) (happily) Hey!
Rachel: Tommyyyy! Say, what抯 your favourite thing about summer?
Tommy: Ooh, I don抰 know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.
Chandler: Ohh, that抯 a good one.
(Ross is having a fit, about how calm Tommy is now)
[Scene: Backstage at Joey抯 play, Joey is arriving, late.]
Joey: Sorry! Sorry, I抦 late; sorry, I抦 late! My duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly.
Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let抯 go! Let抯 go!
[cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.]
Lauren: (answering the door) Vic! Where have you been, baby?!
Joey: (surprised it抯 Lauren) (hugs her) (whispering) Where抯 Kate?
Lauren: (whispering) She got a job in L.A.
Joey: (stunned) What?!
Lauren: I抳e been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? (Joey doesn抰 answer) Where have you been? Vic?!
Joey: Oh, ahh, go to the window. I抦 wanna run down to the truck and show you something.
Lauren: (at the window, she抯 looking down out of the window) What do you got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp?
Joey: (grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (whispering) When is she leaving?
Lauren: (whispering) Tonight. What are you doing?
Joey: (making like he is yelling up to the second floor) I抦 coming up!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still on hold.]
Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone?
Phoebe: Oh, I?(starts jabbering incoherently)
Chandler: Why don抰 you use ours across the hall, 慶ause she卙as卲roblems.
Ross: (coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee, almost running into Tommy) Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.
Tommy: Yeah, but you didn抰.
Ross: No, but it抯-it抯-it抯 hot!
(We see Tommy go into Joey and Chandler抯 apartment)
Rachel: Ross, would you just stop it! It抯 getting really old.
Ross: I can抰 believe no one believes me!
Phoebe: I do, I believe you.
Ross: You do Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her (points to the phone) when she said I was next.
[cut to Chandler and Joey抯 apartment, Tommy is using the phone]
Tommy: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, I抦 so cute, I抦 a little chick who抯 disgusting! God, you抮e so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!
(We see the gang staring at him through the doorways.)
Chandler: Step away from the duck.
Tommy: Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand! (starts to walk out and stops) (to Rachel) Well, I guess we抮e not going out anymore. Whaa!!!
(He leaves the gang in stunned silence.)
[Scene: Backstage at Joey抯 play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.]
Kate: Joey!
Joey: Hey!
Kate: I抦 soo glad I caught you, I couldn抰 find you before.
Joey: Wh-wh-what抯 going on? Wh-what抯 this about L.A.?
Kate: They still want me for General Hospital.
Joey: But, but wh-what about us?
Kate: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can抰 stay here just for you.
Joey: Well, so, stay for the museums!
Kate: I抦 sorry.
Stage Manager: Joey, onstage!
Joey: Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I抣l go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye.
Lauren: (yelling from onstage) Where are you Vic?
Kate: Flight抯 in an hour. I-I gotta go.
Lauren: Vic! Vic! Vic!!!
Joey: (to Lauren) In a minute!!
[cut to the end of the play]
Lauren: So this is it? Victor?
Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick 慶ause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you抳e got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so?I抦 gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, coloured lights on the side of it) and I抦 gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you抣l be long gone. But I won抰 have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I抦 gonna want to meet her.
(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate waves good bye.)
Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y'know.]
Monica: Phoebe, it抯 been two days.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it抯 one of those 801 numbers. Right?
Ross: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.
Phoebe: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it抯 has to be 800. (picks up the instruction manual to check the phone number) 慍ause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.
Rachel: Phoe-be!!
Phoebe: Sorry, I抦 so sorry, I will pay you back.
Chandler: And yet, she抯 still not hanging up the phone.
All: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!
Phoebe: Fine! Fine! (slams the phone down, breaking it) Oh-oh!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Well, I think I broke it. But that抯 all right, here抯 the number you can call.
Monica: (sarcastic) Oh.
END
你还在等?
我两小时前就该打给我爸了
有，他插播过
你有空就打给他
他在甲乙丙
什么是甲乙丙?
我记不起正确答案时都这么说
挂电话，够了
不要，他们就是要我放弃
保证书明天就过期了要是无法接通…
他们就不会免费修理我的破电话
我们不能让他们赢
这是与他们的对决
没错
我再问一次晚上的票你们要几张?
我要一张
我要两张，我要带彼特去
我的男朋友
我有男朋友了
你两张，罗斯，你呢?
我也要两张
真的?第二个是谁?
第二个是谁?
下水道工人的高难度游戏
就是有一个人嘛
是约会对象吗?
算是吧，是工作上认识的女生
希望不会太奇怪
不会吧，瑞秋?
一点也不会
其实我也要带人去
但是你只要一张
我是说我再多一张
好，还有谁是多一张的?
好，晚上见
再见
拜拜
我得找个男伴
对了，你们终于要见到凯特了
我借了你的古龙水
希望她会喜欢
你这是干嘛?她在跟别人交往
而且我没有古龙水
刮胡膏旁边那一瓶鸭子的除虫药
拿去，这件给你穿
谢谢
我要把电话放下
但是我人还在
不要走开，我还在
不要转线，我就在这里
等我一下下
等一下，一下下
等等，一下就好…
干嘛?我好害怕
小姐，那是袖子
而且我们有免持听筒
请不要挂断
我们很重视您的来电
你得挂断，要迟到了
谢谢您的等候
接下来将为您服务
漂亮!我是下一个
你还叫我挂掉
可以带小鸡和小鸭去剧院吗?
当然不行
我只是想让别人告诉它们
“露西儿洛泰尔剧院”
你好吗?
很好
看来我们最早到
看样子是的
拔得头筹
汤米，这是罗斯
罗斯，汤米
抱歉，这是凯琳
凯琳…
对不起
放开
我要去一趟洗手间
我去找座位
这真是…
有点尴尬
因为瑞秋和我交往过
我不知道
那这才叫尴尬
座位是……
应该是这里
打扰一下，对不起
你们坐到我们的位子了
应该没有吧
可以看一下你的票吗?
当然可以
没错，这是D13
我以为…
你以为?
你以为也没有用，白痴!
你是猪头吗?上面印D13，好吗?
你被双数包围了
你都没想到吗?
带位的人说…
带位的人当然对罗
他受过严格训练嘛
滚！
拿去
你要靠走道吗?
不用了
我们的明星来了
你演得好棒
你们觉得怎样?
跟两裸女坐翘翘板那出有得拼
我没有演
请你来一下各位，她是凯特
借过…亲爱的
过来
那就是你心上人
真的，瑞秋的男伴是神经病
他对陌生人大吼大叫
我觉得他很糟糕
慢着，你不喜欢瑞秋约会的对象?
真奇怪啊
萝伦，各位
这是凯特的候补萝伦
天哪，你好面熟
我们在你那栋楼的走廊上见过
就在我跟乔伊上床之后
他第二天就甩了我
你们是怎么认识的?
简单的说，我追了她两个月
给她一张两万元支票后就搞定了
复杂的说，我因为他说话太简单
而甩了他
乔伊宝贝，你太棒了
各位，这是我的经纪人艾丝黛
各位，这是我的经纪人艾丝黛
两位美眉演得太棒了
她们有经纪人吗?
她们没有演
我们不是演员
真可惜
她的脸蛋加上她的胸部我可以捧出个明星来
可以借我吗?
记得我吗?
是你，汤米在排队上厕所
有人插队，我觉得他要捉狂了
我要走了
走?为什么?
不知道，或许是因为…
我不想整晚等着看一个人发疯
他绝对会发疯
再见
各位，剧评来了
“送礼日”
“露西儿洛泰尔剧院”
乔伊崔此亚尼的表现参差不齐
不过崔此亚尼还不是这出戏最差的一环
帅！
凯特米勒差劲做作的诠释实在可笑
来了!导演部份
马歇尔汤恩导演…
谢谢各位
你们毁了我的一生
请用我妈做的蟹饼
填满你们没有才华的肚子
借过
我可以留着吧?
戏演完了？
你人呢
谢谢您的等候
接下来将为您服务
已经好几个小时了
你一定快疯了
我有找事情做
对了，我把你们房里的东西对调了
你还好吗?
好极了
剧评家只是当不成演员的人
你猜你该怎么做?
去当剧评家
我受伤了
祝你们两家
发生火灾、地震
对了，他看完剧评之后甩了我
真过份
是啊，我还真有眼光
我为了这出戏放弃一个连续剧
我也放弃了一个工作
什么工作？
替猫咪剪指甲
这样吧，我陪你走回家
我们去每个报摊
烧掉所有的时报和邮报
为什么要烧邮报?
你没看邮报?
没有，你看了?
没有，怎么了?
那些剧评真的是在嫉妒我?
绝对的
你有才华，长得又美
你人好又可爱
我知道，所以他们才攻击我
等一下
怎么了？
我实在搞不懂你
你先是讨厌我
然后跟我上床
然后你又跟我撇清关系
现在又想要我了?
你没跟女演员约过会吗?
凯特，你喜欢我吗?
当然喜欢
那你为什么拒绝我?
为什么要跟他在一起?
我不知道
我就是这样
我总是要挑那个最聪明的…
或是最有才华的
我为什么不能挑你这种人?
谢了
你知道我的意思
我是说最体贴的人
你真的好…
你好…
好…
来，把你的脚抬上来
晚安
祝你好梦
我把桶子放在这里
免得你想捉兔子
请不要挂断
我们很重视您的来电
你已经24小时没睡了
去睡吧
这样很不健康
不，我很好
你知道为什么?
因为我吃了核黄素
这是昨晚那套衣服
我在凯特家过夜
但是什么也没做
你怎么没来?
我很抱歉
我一定会去看你演戏
你的戏对我们很重要
谢谢你的等候
我接下来将去看你的戏
你跟凯特怎么样?
感觉好棒
我陪她走回家
我们之间心有灵犀
后来她昏过去了
但是等她醒来
我们聊了一整晚
我们现在为彼此疯狂
你经历了关键性的夜晚
当两个人发现他们坠人爱河
他们会聊上很久
弄清楚对方的一切
是吗?
她有几个家人?
两个兄弟，一个死了
漂亮！
这是吧台那位女士请的
对不起，她认错人了
现在几点？
一点
7点15分
我的表坏了
汤米快来了，我们要去吃饭
听着，我本来不想说的
但是…
好吧，我觉得你不该跟汤米来往
是吗?
那家伙很恶劣，非常恶劣
你应该离他远一点
或许我应该离所有男人远一点
我不只是在嫉妒
我不是在嫉妒
那家伙对坐错位子的夫妇大吼
对啊，落幕的时候
他还站起来用力拍打他的双手
好，你们不信就算了
开玩笑的
没有人相信我
你们当都我在耍宝
对不起杯子里是什么?
杯子里是什么?
是咖啡
冰咖啡吗?请告诉我是冰咖啡
是热……
热咖啡
你这个白痴!你想拿热咖啡泼我?
你是发型很乌的乌白痴吗?
你最喜欢夏天的什么?
去海边玩，天色很晚才变暗
你最喜欢夏天的什么?
不知道
新除过的草地的味道吧
这个好
抱歉迟到
我的鸡和鸭吵架，场面很乱
我们在等你，上场吧
维克，你上哪去了?
凯特呢?
她在洛杉矶找到工作
我等了你一整夜
你上哪去了?
你上哪去了，维克?
去窗子旁边
我去车上拿个东西给你看
你要给我看什么?
帆布底下藏了什么?
她什么时候走?
今晚，你在干什么?
我马上上来
可以借用电话吗?
去对面用我们的，因为她…
有点问题
谢谢
汤米，对不起
我差点把热咖啡泼到你身上
但是你没有
没错，但是…
这是热的
别闹了，都老掉牙了
居然没有人相信我
我相信你
真的？
对，但是我也相信
我是下一个
嗨，小东西
毛毛脸，你好吗?
呕心死了
白痴
白痴黄毛鸡
你看我，我好可爱
我是呕心的小鸡!
笨蛋!你怎么还没绝种?
你叫什么叫?
白痴唐老鸭
离鸭子远一点
很抱歉，小鸡鸡
谁叫你在我手上撇条!
看来我们是没希望了
妈的！
乔伊，幸好赶上了
我一直找不到你
洛杉矶是怎么回事?
“综合医院”还是要我
但是…
我们呢?
昨晚感觉很棒
但我不能为了你留下来
那就为了博物馆留下来
对不起
乔伊上场
至少等到落幕
我陪你去机场，我想跟你道别
维克，你在哪里?
一小时后的班机，我得走了
维克?
维克?
维克?
等一下
维克，就这样了?
我想是的
听我说
我必须赶快说再见
因为我的心好痛
我要你知道
我永远不会忘记你
但是你有你该做的事
而我也是
所以……
我要登上宇宙飞船
前往布拉刚7号星寻找替代燃料
等我两百年后回来
你早就死了
而我却一点也不会老
所以请告诉你的曾曾孙女
叫她找我
因为爱莉安
亲爱的……
我绝对会想认识她
别了，维克
已经两天了
我知道
幸好是801免付费电话
800才是免付费电话801是犹他州码
一定是800
大公司都有免付费专线
每个……
犹他州大公司都是801开头
真的很抱歉，我会付钱的
她还是不挂电话
挂掉啦
怪挂挂
好啦
我好像把它摔坏了
没关系，你们可以打这支电话